all in the manual
by Free Heaven
Summary: Humorous one-shot starring Voldemort, Bellatrix and Petunia For Years Voldemort has been wondering how Harry managed to escape from him time and again, yet he always goes back to his 'Family'. little did he know that it is all there in the manual.


"You are sure this is the correct address Bellatrix?" A rather tall, pale man who appeared to be missing his nose asks in a soft hiss as he and his female companion walk down the unnaturally clean streets of Little Winging. "We don't want a repeat of last time." He threatens, the woman bowing submissively as she remembers the results of the last time they got the wrong address, it took her three weeks to eat all the food the old woman had made for them, declaring that the snake-faced man was 'Much too thin'  
>shuddering at the memory of all those cookies, Bellatrix, the most fanatical follower of the Dark Lord quickly assures her master that this is indeed the correct place.<p>

"Number four Privet Drive, I am sure of it Master." She announces confidently, pulling ahead and rushing down the road, passing one identical home after another, looking for Number 4. Plastering her least threatening smile on her face, Bellatrix knocks on the clean white door.  
>"Yes?" a horse-faced woman asks, cracking open the door just an inch. "Can I help you?<br>"Are you Petunia Dursley?" Bellatrix asks, trying to keep the glee out of her voice.  
>"Yes, and you are?" the thin woman asks, eyes narrowing in suspicion.<br>"I am Bellatrix Lestrange and this is my Lord Voldemort." Bellatrix gleefully announces, gesturing to her lord who has stopped by the rose bushes and is gently sniffing the large flowers.

"Lord?" Petunia squeaks, looking at the robed man, "Please come in." she insists, holding the door open for her Lordly guests.  
>"Thank you." Bellatrix responds politely, stepping into the spotless home and looking around with obvious curiosity, Lord Voldemort following a moment later.<br>"Can I get you anything, Tea, Water?" Petunia asks, leading her guests into the sitting room.  
>"Tea would be lovely." Bellatrix replies, looking at the various photo's on the wall.<p>

Once the tea has been made and the three of them are sitting comfortably, Lord Voldemort speaks for the first time. "Miss Dursley, There is something I really need to know…" he speaks up, leaning closer to the woman. "How did you and your husband manage to break his spirit so completely that he always comes back to this place?" he asks, getting more and more emphatic as he speaks. " I need to know!" he practically yells.  
>"Uh…" Petunia umms, thinking for an answer, "Well, we've made him do the cook since he was five." She begins, getting a nod from Voldemort.<br>"Uh-huh, uh-huh, Bellatrix, are you writing this down?" he asks his servent turned assistant who nods quickly, conjuring up a quill and parchment to write on.  
>"And once Dudley was old enough, he ensured that the freak was woken up early every morning to do his chores." Petunia continues, ignoring the conversation, and magic going on in front of her. "we didn't tell him his name until the he went to school, and we'd lock him in the cupboard if he ever tried to talk back to us."<br>"Fascinating-Bellatrix, take a note of this. Physical isolation and Psychological trauma. Wahahaha the Cruciatus has nothing on these." Voldemort laughs evilly, gesturing to cupboard in the hall.  
>"But I don't understand why you are asking this?" Petunia asks, stopping her rambling. "it was all in the book that he came with." She points out, much to the surprise of both guests.<br>"May I see this book?" Voldemort requests in a polite tone.  
>"Of course, let me just go and get it." Petunia replies, getting up and walking out of the room<p>

"Master, this muggle, she would be a great member of the Torture Squad." Bellatrix remarks once Petunia leaves. "These Torture's, I never would of dreamed of them." She declares, "Please let her take me as an apprentice." She begs, throwing herself on the ground in front of Voldemort.  
>"Maybe Bella, let's see what this book is first." Voldemort replies, waving Bellatrix back to her seat.<p>

"Here it is your Lordship." Petunia announces, a small, old book in her hands, "I didn't want to infect my Dudley with any of the freakishness within it, so I kept it hidden from him.  
>"Excellent!" Voldemort chuckles, arching his fingers in front of his chest, "Now the secrets to destroying the Boy-who-lived are within my grasp. Mwhahahahaaaa!" he laughs, taking the book from Petunia who smiles indulgingly. "Thank you for you time, we will be going now." He informs the shorter woman, who nods and waves them through.<br>"Uh." Bellatrix stops at the doorway, turning to Petunia. "Would you like to get together for tea one day, I know this nice old lady who makes the best cookies." She asks with a small smile, "we could trade torture tips and gossip."  
>"That sounds lovely." Petunia replies with a wide smile, "Shall we say next tuesday at two?"<br>"Sounds perfect." Bellatrix agrees, before turning and running after her lord who is walking down the street, still laughing evilly. "Wait for me my Lord!"

Closing the door, Petunia slumps against it, "It looks like my life is finally on the up and up, a Lord Visiting, oh happy days." She remarks before returning to the kitchen and resuming her hourly clean.

"Uh, My Lord? Perhaps you should read the book rather than just hugging it?" Bellatrix suggests cautiously as the two enter a rather rough looking Park.  
>"Excellent Idea Bellatrix." Voldemort replies, moving his hands off the cover of the book. "Let's see it's called, 'How to raise a future dark lord'" he reads, "Sounds Promising." He remarks, "I wonder who the author is?"<p>

'_Written by Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, 1920's edition'_

"**DUMBLEDORE!"**

Harry was walking back from an errand to the local Deli when he spotted a frantic looking woman scurrying around a tall man dressed in a black cloak.  
>"Excuse me Mam, do you need help?" he asks, walking over to the woman, who pays no attention to him<br>"It's my lord." She exclaims, "I think he's been cursed, all he did was read the title and he's been stuck like this."  
>"Let me see, I know a thing about curses." Harry remarks, stepping towards the tall man who appears to be stuck screaming towards the sky, his face frozen in a mask of complete and total anger.<p>

"Here, it was this book." The woman remarks, thrusting a small book into Harry's hands. Turning the tome over in his hands, Harry quickly reads the title. "How to raise a Future Dark Lord by Albus Percival Wulfric Brian—

**"**-**DUMBLEDORE!"**


End file.
